I can say anything to my best friend:

Icecream, left dimple!

Look at this ingrown hair, I found it waxing.

Grow up you fuckwit.

You can do it!

I think I’m a lesbian.

Congratulations! What date?

I’m halfway around the world and I fuck Stan Gordon from school!?!?

Wedding was gorgeous. Sorry about the vomit.

Fuck. I’m pregnant.

Can’t believe your wife is a cheating slut.

I’m scared.

Knew you could do it!

Lost the baby.

Prostate?

Remember schoolies? Your eyebrows? That was me!

I can’t believe that was you! I was suspended!

But there’s one thing I can’t say.