10 Ways To Know, How To Know, You Must Be A Writer



Ten ways to know, how to know, you must be a writer…well you must be one, at least by now or one day, you think like one but you don’t have anything published except on websites and blog sites but it doesn’t matter because you write everyday and you will be one as soon as you admit it to yourself.

Number One:

You have thought processes like this: see above.

Number Two

You realise that the words you say to people are a waste of vocal chord fluid. They don’t get you, they can never understand you. So you write it down, then expose it to people. It later appears to someone somewhere as a blank canvas. They project their thoughts, ideas, themselves onto your blank canvas and there you go, someone understands something about themselves, and technically speaking, they sort of understand you.

Number Three

When you reminisce with a uni or school or ballet friend until they inform you that they didn’t go to uni or school or ballet. In fact then you remember you didn’t go to ballet. Then you realise you have no legs how could you ever have gone to ballet. Then you realise you’re actually a secret spy sent forward in time feigning paraplegia in order to make friends with someone with a disability so that they can confide in you and you can truly understand how they feel so that you can go back in time write a story about a character with a disability who overcomes the odds and you sell it with the promise of glory, for later inspiring this someone with a disability, by understanding the pure emotions of a person with a disability and their life. Then you realise you have already learned all of this just by thinking this and you write the story anyway and get fifty hits on your blog and think to yourself, ‘that was totally worth it’.

Number Four

When you start referring to a friend who is actually a character in a book (usually on a first name basis). For example, Spot and I went to the park the other day.

Number Five

When you see everything in Boggle. For example, here is a small test for you. If you just read the word ‘example’ and thought to yourself, I could make the word maple out of it, and exam, and pale and map and lap and peal…then you see everything in Boggle and are probably a writer. Or maybe you just play too much boggle.


Totes Boggle

Number Six

When you see everything in widescreen and hear everything in Dolby. Fireworks go off at important moments of your life. Because your best story that you will ever write, with the best dialogue and the best setting, description and plot: is the one about you. Don’t deny it! It’s true! You are your own main character. You may go as far as ordering your tombstone to read ‘THE END’.

Number Seven:

You appear to not take people seriously because to you, they are just characters. For example, Carol drops a cup. You laugh and make a comment like, ‘oh that is so typically Carol. First her husband dies, then her son is arrested for theft and her daughter won’t talk to her because Carol refuses to go to her wedding because she doesn’t want to see her daughter’s fiancΓ© wearing her great grandmothers wedding gown (its not because she’s a lesbian; the dress won’t suit her!). So of course Carol dropped the cup, that’s her character. That’s who she is. She drops cups. I knew she would do that! Then one day you realise that people who drop cups can change. Or buy plastic. Whatever. You also realise that you made all of that up about Carol whilst simultaneously getting an ear-bashing from Carol about laughing at her dropping the cup, as an extreme attempt at sympathy because Carol dropped the cup. You wish that Carol wasn’t the type of person who drops cups. You then ponder how life is so unfair, how you are lucky because you don’t happen to drop that many cups and you feel lucky knowing that you understand how lucky you are. You then feel guilty for about a minute. Then you think ah well you can’t change anything bout another person and release your frustration through further laughing while Carol is still giving you an ear-bashing.

Number Eight:

You don’t take control of other people’s lives in any shape or form by being bossy, arrogant, pathetic (Carol) too pleasing, *manipulative etc because you know you can do it all in your head in your spare time. Or even when someone is talking to you. For hours. Revenge is best served in cold blooded thought.

Number Nine:

I can’t think of a number nine. This is too hard. I’ll just get a day job. I can’t do it. I then get a day job, packing boxes, the people I work with are the type of people you practice number eight on. Suddenly characters have formed in my head-oh look! There’s Tony, late again, oh he just dropped that box on the ground, oh that’s so typical of Tony, poor fella, he’s so stoned all of the time and his girlfriend left him and his dog went missing too, of course he dropped that box, no wonder he dropped the box the funny fella!-and you leave the day job packing boxes to write a story based on what you learned using the people you worked with as skeletons for whole characters. Yay! You got through it!

Number Ten:

You always take the long way home. You go to great lengths to ensure you always have a home. Or a base. (It’s usually a noun: a person, place or thing.) But you need that base so that you can go on adventure knowing you have a home to go to after the adventure, so that when you take the long way home you know how to tune in to your inner compass that runs on emotional waves allowing you to get home where you relax, breathe and write about the adventure.

So, are you a writer?

*Manipulative: man, lap, late, pΓ’tΓ©, pan, nip, native, live, liven, pin, pat, vain, vein, invite, vet, tale, male, pale, veil, tin, tan, lamp, plant, plate, Pilate, pile, tile, vial, vile, nil, tip, pit, lit, vat, van, mule, mate…can you get anymore?